Cropping Out Negativity

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with not meeting expectations - whether those set by others or ones that I place on myself. It might have something to do with growing up in an academically demanding country. Most Nigerians can relate to tales of parents eschewing celebrating a small improvement in grades and instead admonishing a child for not doing even better. There is the classic “Oh you finished 42nd? Do your friends that finished in the top 10 have two heads?”

Frankly, my parents did not partake in this behavior all that much. In fact, most of the experience I have with this came from my friends and their parents. Unfortunately though, this culture permeated through the country at large. The very idea that kids, as early as age 10, are placed in academic competition against their peers is chilling. This cut-throat environment, in my opinion, forces comparison and invariably steals joy. Think about it: this is a world where improving from a 3.0 GPA one semester to a 3.4 in the next could mean staying at a rank of 60 out of 120 - because everyone else just happened to perform better that semester. While a case could be made for focusing on the grade and not the ranking, that was simply not the culture. Ultimately, rankings became the endgame.

All this is important to note because I did not need my parents to perpetuate this issue for me to be a product of the system. So how does this relate to photography? Funny you should ask…

Well, in March, I had to battle my demons quite a bit. After writing the last journal entry, I was excited to start looking for shapes and geometry - or at least I thought I was. Unfortunately, I still have a day job which forced a two week span of working late hours. This made it difficult to make images after work, or early in the morning - since working late also meant sleeping late. During this time, I would engage in internal dialogue telling myself things like “you should be shooting more”, or “you’re a failure for not going out on inspo-walks” or worst still “are you even a photographer if you can’t make the time for this hobby you supposedly love?” I may not always have used those exact words but the thought patterns had precisely the same effect. Work would eventually ease up in the second half of the month but I still couldn’t find the motivation for photography. I instead decided to spend most of my free time playing tennis - a sport which I really enjoy playing. And of course, those pesky negative thoughts returned.

I could go on and on about these struggles, but the end of the month brought some peace. I figured it was alright to to have off days, or in this case an off month. I realized that taking photos devoid of passion is a pointless venture - as such I looked back at my time spent on the tennis court as very valuable. It is okay to engage in other passions as well. I also stumbled upon a podcast about finding purpose. It talked about “little P” purpose as opposed to the more existential purpose that might come to mind. The podcast host suggested a thought exercise: thinking back to childhood and trying to remember what made you feel alive - what made time go by unnoticed. Oddly enough, two of my answers were sports and writing/telling stories. This was no surprise because a lot of what I choose to spend time doing these days closely relates to those activities - for example, writing these journal entries and making photos that hopefully tell a story. I felt encouraged.

How does this relate to the photography goals I set earlier? I am not sure I have the answer to that question just yet. But to respond to it with another question: does it make sense to engage in an activity that I am trying to get better at without truly enjoying the process? What sort of work would I be able to create in that headspace? Perhaps some philosopher has tackled similar questions regarding creativity and inspiration. I will continue to consider these questions but...

I feel motivated again so, April’s Challenge…

Now that’s off my chest, I must say I am raring to get out and take photos. And in order to do that, I want to choose a challenge that will encourage me: Street Portraits. The idea is to choose a genre entirely removed from February and March’s proposed goals. Perhaps interestingly, one of my favorite photos I have taken is this one to the left, or right, or above, or below - not sure where it will end up on various devices. It’s not my favorite because I think it’s a technically brilliant photo. I actually don’t because I unknowingly cut off his foot in the bottom right of the frame. Instead, I cherish this shot because of the process of finding and making the image. I hope to write about it in the future, but I really enjoyed the connection I made with the subject - or the “Philadelphia Obama” as he called himself. In my opinion, our interaction made for a more impactful picture. I felt more relaxed making the photo and as a result I was able to capture him the way I think he would want to be captured.

While I am generally not a fan of studio portraits, there has been something addictive about scouring the streets, finding and asking people that catch my eye to pose for photos. To be honest, I sometimes find this nerve-wracking but what’s that saying again? He who overcomes his fears will truly be free???